"To Thine Own Self Be True"

This New Year brings Two Years for myinneralaska

January 2nd, 2020 marked two years since I started this thing; sharing my thoughts with whoever was willing to read. I started writing my first post the morning of January 2nd, 2018, right before one of my first shifts back as a waitress after working as a receptionist at a medical spa for about a year, and feeling deeply unhappy with both the job and myself. I decided that going back to being a waitress would allow me to make a decent amount of money while having the freedom to pursue the things that I actually wanted in my life. I finished the post, and made it live RIGHT before leaving for work, and in fact, I think I was 5-10 minutes late because I wanted to get it all done before leaving. All I have to say is: thank you so much to those of you that have read my blog here, or those of you that just appreciate who I am, and vocally remind me of it from time to time. All of those things, in no particular order, bring me pure joy.

Let's start this year off right: with a ton of gratitude.

I am grateful for the ability to read and write. Poetry, this blog, books, maps, between the lines, everything. I am grateful for time alone, time with strangers, and time with my awesome groups of friends, and family. I am grateful for MUSIC, and ALL the places it has brought me: starting with the Irish music that accompanied my competitive dance career as a child, all the way up to the electronic music that I love and listen to almost constantly in this current day; it inspires me and provides me with a safe space for many things, such as creativity, dancing, new friends, shared interests, experimentation, and the freedom to be whoever or whatever you choose, as well as be accepted as such. I am grateful for spontaneous inspiration that comes my way, however great or small. I am SO grateful for the odd, inexplicable moments when it truly feels like I am right where I am supposed to be... It's hard to describe with words, but it feels kind of magical; almost out of body. I am grateful for colours: both in the world, and in people. I am especially grateful for those that show their true colours, and those that allow me to show mine. And I am extremely grateful for those who have stayed, or come back into, my life, and I am even grateful for those who have decided to leave.

Through much trial and error, it finally feels as though I have found a proper filtration system for my life. I can filter out whatever and whoever does not seem conducive to the life I dream of living, without even thinking too hard about it. What a DREAM.

"And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true." - Over the Rainbow, The Wizard of Oz.

Speaking of dreams, I don't know how so many of mine have actually ended up coming true. I finally, finally, FINALLY got my own apartment, downtown Toronto, living BY MYSELF. This is a dream I have had for a long time. When I was a kid, I thought that I would have found the right partner by now, but that has yet to happen and I am not the slightest bit concerned. In terms of dwellings, I've lived an odd life as I have moved from sublet to sublet, or back home, or to another sublet, every month to few months, for the past two years. A little "modern day gypsy", if you will. I have fought every step of the way for a life that I actually want, while at the same time, enjoying all of the places that my life has somehow taken me through various strokes of serendipity. Sometimes I was completely broke, but I figured out how to make it all work.

The first house I lived at in Toronto was... horrible, to say the least (if you want to know why, read here). But I worked really hard to make it a home, even if only temporarily. The walls, doors, and ceilings were completely black in my room, and I primed it all and painted it a nice grey and white. Something that I never admitted in that previous linked post was that I was offered cheaper rent in exchange for sex at one point, when I was struggling to come up with rent. I said NO, and that I would rather struggle for every single penny, in the full amount. And this "offer" was from someone other than the guy that verbally harassed me all the time due to not sleeping with him, either. The guy that verbally harassed me got his when he got the living shit kicked out of him by the other male roommates, one random night in the basement. He was punched in the face so many times that he looked like The Elephant Man. And as some form of poetic justice, I stole a pair of his shoes, since he treated me like shit. Shoes that he got in Thailand, and I knew meant a lot to him. I don't know why I felt like this was appropriate, but I'm admitting that I did it. Almost like grounding or punishing a child, I suppose. As for the sex proposition dude, he ended up getting arrested for driving stolen cars without a license and then refusing to pull over/evading the police, but was then bailed out by his friend, one of the other roommates (there were 8 of us total under one roof at one point). Oh well. Driving away from that sloppy hell hole for the last time felt so, SO good. And I've come so fucking far since then.

When I finally moved into my new sublet, I was determined to write a new blog post about the experience. About every experience that has shaped me. But I was hungry. So I walked around the corner to grab something to eat, and found this hat on the ground:

"Alaska". When my blog is named "myinneralaska". I could not even fathom the magic I was feeling in that moment. Maybe it was purely coincidence, but believing in the occasional mysterious magic has gotten me this far, so why stop now? I enjoy finding meaning in things, so of course I also love when it happens to find me, too.

Magic, Intuition, and Conscious Work

I've made homes out of places that were clearly not homes, or not MY home, for two whole years. I made myself feel as at "home" as I could in order to make things work. And then I finally found my own home, downtown Toronto, in one of the most expensive cities in the country, by myself. And that is something I am, and will always be, immensely proud of. I refused to settle into a job, or a relationship, that I did not enjoy. No, thank you.

Another dream come true for me is working in the industry that I have always dreamed of working in, one way or another, which is the film/tv/video/media industry. I love my ass-backwards schedule, the absurd call-times, and the dedication and long days that are required to get it all done. I love the variety, and uncertainty, that comes with working as a freelancer in this industry. And I also love the fact that, for the first time in 10 years, I am able to COMPLETELY walk away from being a waitress as a source of income. Maybe not permanently (but fingers crossed x10000), who knows, but this is something that I have dreamed of for a long, long time, and feels magical to me.

I'm also proud of the fact that whenever I paid attention to an underlying feeling that I needed to make a change, I actually sprung into action and somehow followed through with it. Going to the gym, experimenting with part-time vegetarianism in attempts to reduce my footprint in the meat industry, saving enough money to get my own place, the list goes on. When I was second guessing certain relationships with a few people, I decided to take a step back, and try to somehow make new friends. I went to Trinity Bellwoods Park by myself several times, until I made new friends. And I fucking did. I hung out with a new group of people on Canada Day, and eventually mustered enough confidence to weasel my way into becoming friends with a bunch of the slackliners that regularly frequent the park in the summer.

I also asked to join a new group of people to go to Electric Island in September, because I had the day off for it (and having a day off was really surprising at the time). I met one of the members of the group at a show earlier in the year, and kept in touch here and there over social media. I figured I didn't have much to lose by at least asking! And I'm so glad that I did. Because those people have become friends of mine that I feel like I can regularly hang out with, and for time to come. In fact, I went to New York City with this same group (plus a few more), and that trip has been one of my most favourite trips in my life to date. I think it's maybe the happiest I've ever been in my entire life, those four days in New York City. SO WORTH IT, and all because I listened to my intuition, took a chance, and made a change.

And whatever relationships I was doubting have, for the most part, been settled. Those who meant a lot to me, and vice versa, have since repaired our relationships with one another, and the others... We've simply moved on. Time heals all, but effort makes all the difference. I made an effort to take a step back when I needed it, which changed everything, and then made an effort to seek out the good over the bad in the relationships that I realized I valued and missed (P.S. "The Weekenders" will always have my heart, and I consider them my most unique group of friends, love you all).

Along with listening to my intuition for what I need, I've also made a habit of sticking up for myself and my values much more often. I've been honest with people about how they make me feel, and I try my best to act in ways that demand mutual respect. This sometimes comes with a few awkward moments, but in the end, it's worth it. I've told people to "go fuck themselves", not in those exact words lol, but the sentiment was usually the same, and the words that I did end up using ultimately reached the same goal. I told a guy to cancel a flight that he had booked to come see me, because I realized he wasn't right for me, not even as a date to a wedding for a night. Telling that guy to go fuck himself felt pretty good, not going to lie.

I also demanded compensation from a contract that kind of screwed me over, and received it. I also collected the outstanding compensation from my last waitressing job, too. I tried to handle it all on my own, but due to their sketchy behaviour (constantly passing me off to other people in the company, or forwarding my emails off to someone called "admin" instead of giving me an actual name and/or email of someone to follow up with), I filed a claim with the Ministry of Labour... Juuust in case. And apparently, so much as a nuance to making a claim... Has the same effect as making a claim. I've never seen a group of petty, lazy adults act so fast, after an entire month of fucking around.

The ability to confidently speak up for yourself is something that takes a bit of practice, but is super worth it. It's not necessary to constantly address people about how they make you feel, a.k.a. "pick your battles", but for where it deeply matters, it feels really good to fight for yourself. Especially when you are someone like me, who has been single for just over three years after coming out of a horrifyingly terrible relationship that cost me my sanity, my sense of self, and took a lot of time to rebuild myself after the fact. I'm all that I have at the moment. If I don't stick up for myself, who the heck will?

Feeling Different

But back to that rebuilding... It was everything I needed, and more. I'm such a different person now. Whether people choose to acknowledge it or not, I really don't care. I feel it. And that's what matters. I don't feel a need to explain myself in certain situations anymore. If people don't get you, then they just don't get you. And having learned that feels really good. What a relief, not feeling like I have to be so defensive about myself all the fucking time.

All of the changes I have made in the last few years have brought me to where I am now. I am the healthiest I've ever been in my life, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am finally seeing real results from the gym, because I work hard for it both in the gym and at home in the kitchen. I've lost 10lbs of fat and am now in a position to gain all the muscle, in the areas I so choose. I cook all of my own meals, in my silly little kitchenette in my basement apartment in Toronto. However, the meals I cook are actually amazing. Jamaican style curry, my dad's homemade protein-packed spaghetti sauce, delicious veggie-filled stirfrys... My tools, appliances, and the space itself are not glamourous, by any means, but I make it all work. And I am PROUD. And I am willing to stay in this little basement apartment for as long as I have to, because it finally made me realize how much I've been longing, and I mean LONGING, for the one thing I have been missing for a very long time: some fucking STABILITY. And now, I have provided that stability for myself. I'd just like to repeat that real quick: I have provided. That stability. For myself. And that feels so fucking GOOD. And I don't care what my apartment looks like to other people, because the magnitude of being able to provide this for myself goes way further than anyone's opinion of what they think is acceptable, cool, worthy, liveable, etc. I'm more interested in seeing where I am now able to go in my life, now that I have some stability.

For years, I constantly moved around, not really realizing how much it kind of subconsciously stressed me out. But now, after making some financial changes, I am feeling the positive effects. And these particular changes were not even difficult to make. They actually made so much sense, and I feel happier NOT spending my money on things like: eyelash extensions, expensive fake nails that need to be redone every 3 weeks, highlights and hair cuts, fast-fashion clothes, shoes, overpriced makeup and creams and serums, botox, and international music festival passes (along with the airfare and hotels and ubers and shuttles that accompany them). I finally, for the first time in my entire fucking life, feel HAPPY exactly where I am, exactly AS I AM. For once, I don't feel a need to run/take off/escape... or worse, be whoever it is that I think other people want me to be. I want to STAY, right here, and be 100% myself while working toward career goals, as well as put more effort into creative hobbies and passion projects that I've always dreamed of doing. THAT is what makes me happy right now. And going to the gym. Just in case you forgot. Haha.

The bottom line of the entire rant, is that this feels like a new beginning for me. And this new beginning will be bittersweet, because I think this will be my last blog post.

myinneralaska provided me with a creative outlet to process things that were incredibly difficult to process on my own. Writing out all of my thoughts and experiences, and sharing them with whoever was willing to read them made me feel some sort of peace amidst all the chaos. I felt heard. And the few people that ended up reaching out to me to tell me what they thought or what they loved about my blog posts made me feel like I wasn't forgotten about in this world. And I think that creating a habit out of being so open and honest about my thoughts and feelings through my writing, has made me a much more honest person overall. And if I'm continuing being honest, I feel like in order to progress in my life, I need to practice a bit more silence and solitude. I've already spoken about loneliness in my last blog post, and at that point, the loneliness still made me a bit uncomfortable. But now I see that the loneliness, along with not sharing absolutely everything I do, is sort of imperative now in order to get to where I want to be. I do love, and will always love, writing. And will probably continue to do so behind closed doors. But I want to start keeping some thoughts, feelings, and experiences to myself. I will harness them in new ways.

I am so, so grateful for all of these experiences. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Thank you so much for reading. And if you feel like listening to a song that I feel like ties all of these tales together quite nicely, cue "Just Hold On" by Steve Aoki. Who I actually got to meet, by the way. CRAZY.

Farewell, myinneralaska. Thank you for allowing me to be lost these last two years. And thank you for helping me find myself anew.