Reaching Clarity

Here I am, at the end of another summer. I decided to do things a little differently this time around; I spent my last weekend of summer in a Wilderness Suite approximately two hours outside of the city, and I brought my dog, Kelsey, with me. We went for many walks, we went to the beach, and we lounged around our wilderness suite. Kelsey enjoyed being immersed in the outdoors with copious amounts of belly rubs, and I thoroughly enjoyed the most interesting amenity, the private outdoor shower. I can't quite put into words how happy it made me. Happiest showers of my life.

It was so nice to just lounge around with my dog, relax, write, to be surrounded by nature, and to engulfed in complete darkness at night. And the sounds made everything feel so peaceful as it all serenaded us to sleep: the crickets, the breeze through the leaves of the trees, cicadas and other insects, the odd bird or crow, and the sounds of frogs in the distant marshlands. Just some soft, warm light coming from two lamps in our tent, and everywhere else⎯darkness. And just my dog and me; two queens in a King bed. ♡ It felt so unbelievably tranquil, and I enjoyed it. I didn't fiddle on my phone, or watch something on Netflix, or play music... I just laid in this very large bed with my dog laying near my feet, and I just listened to everything and appreciated it. I wanted to remember it and how it made me feel.

I've been meaning to write a new blog post for a while now. I've sat down several times and written things, and then abandoned them part-way through, or finished them and never typed them up. But when I'm reading them all now, they all say a lot of the same things. I just keep feeling this urge to do better, and be better. It feels very important right now. And certain things that were once important to me just aren't anymore, and the opposite can be said as well. I've been feeling an intense shift within myself, and even though I welcome it, that doesn't make it easy.

One of the biggest changes I've made in my life recently⎯besides going to the gym, partying way less, going to bed early, waking up early without trouble, and making my bed every day⎯is that I started listening to myself. What do I really want? What do I really need? I want happiness. I want natural highs. I don't want to feel stuck. I don't want to waste all my time feeling hungover. I don't want to work at a toxic job that I don't really like. I want to see more elegant and extravagant scenery, I want to challenge my body more, and my mind. I want to be on time, and give myself as much time as I need to prepare for the day so that I can confidently put my best foot forward. I still love music, festivals, and shows, but I'm trying to cut back on the number of shows and festivals I'm going to, and I have opened up a savings account instead. I am pushing 30 and still single, so maybe at this point it wouldn't be a bad idea to be a little bit more ready as a human being for when the perfect person finally comes along. And even if they don't, ever, I will still enjoy and benefit from waking up every day being a little bit more proud of myself than I was a year ago.

This all sounds quite dreamy; making changes for the better. But to say that taking a few steps back for myself has been easy, well that would be a bit of a lie. It's hard waking up every day not knowing whether you have any real friends. Ones that care, cheer you on, support your decisions, and are happy for you when you start making better ones, and when you succeed. "Followers" on Instagram don't always count.

From a very young age, I was consistently put in positions where I had to learn to enjoy my own company. Several long drives to the USA in the backseat, by myself, for dance competitions every year, for 8 years... gave me some good practice on how to be by myself. I would write in my journal, daydream, watch movies and read. So all of this has translated to now: I'm quite comfortable being and spending time alone. However, anxiety does get the best of me from time to time, and it is in those moments that being alone is just... TOO alone. I freak out a little on the inside, and lately my solution for that has been going home. HOME home, to Georgetown. To my roots, to familiarity, to my parents, and to my dog, who is the most abundant source of pure love that exists in my life right now. She loves me and needs me no matter what, and is so, so sweet about it. Always. And she always makes me feel calm.

So here I am, trying distract myself from this loneliness, and perhaps a loneliness that I've always kind of felt but never really understood. Over the years, I've noticed that it somehow always runs faster than me, and it knows how to breathe underwater. I think I'm beginning to accept that this feeling will just always be a part of me, and I will just have to bring it with me everywhere I go. Instead of evading it or killing it, maybe the solution is caring for it; appreciating it for what it is, and appreciate what loneliness can do in terms of getting to know yourself a little better. And that's just it. This loneliness is not a depression, it's just a temporary result of something good, and of more good things coming. Loneliness due to actively seeking better for myself. I'm cocooning myself.

Last year, I was kicked out of my home by my siblings who, let's be real, have never really liked me. Living with them in our childhood home, with a lifetime of hard feelings, WITHOUT our parents present, along with them extending invites for THEIR closest friends and partners to live with us too... Well, if there was an exact recipe for disaster to strike, that would have been it lol. And it did. And so began the best journey of my life.

As a rebellious outcast, I sought ways to express my newfound label. I let out my anger by making friends with the wrong people and had a bit of fun with that. We would go out, stay up all night, steal stupid things just to show that we could, and justified that behaviour by saying we were poor or that it was funny. Just a bunch of modern day Robin Hoods. And while they all came from backgrounds that were completely different from mine, I still felt like, at this point, I was one of them. Everything was dark for me. I felt like nobody loved me, and it was just one bad thing happening after another. Finally, thankfully, I woke up a little bit. I wasn't raised like this. I don't want to be surrounded by this for too long, or it might be too late to get myself out. I had to get myself out of a terrible living situation by borrowing money from someone who I still cannot thank enough. I was only able to start paying him back this year.

Once I moved, things started looking up. I started getting more work in the film & media industry. I was still going to as many shows and festivals as my bank account would allow (and working 4 jobs to support myself), but this time with the right people, and for the right reasons. I loved the music, the scene, the people, how it all made me feel. It made me feel happy, and like I belonged. And I was proud of myself for finally succeeding in spite of all the grim circumstances I found myself in.

The EDM scene truly brought me back to myself at a rapid pace. It was a complete creative outlet. I taught myself how to shuffle, I put a lot of effort and creativity into my costumes, I was making so many new and like-minded friends, and I would feel absolute sheer joy whenever I found a new, super dope track. No word of a lie, I get goosebumps. In the fall, I finally got my ass to the gym, and mostly because I wanted to look as good as I could in the costumes I was working so hard on. This scene brought me to the friggin' gym! And all of this has since had a ripple effect on my life.

Fast forward to February 2019, when two things happened: I gave up alcohol for the entire month, and began pre-production work for a spec commercial for one of my best friends that I would conceptualize, produce, and direct. I hadn't tackled a full project in any key creative role since my thesis film back in college in 2015/2016, and it felt good. I was inspired, in creative control, and taking something seriously for once. It was an opportunity.

Fast forward to May, when I went to EDC Las Vegas for the second year in a row and it just... Wasn't the same. For good reasons, and not so good reasons. Again, I woke up.

I realized that this hobby of mine was expensive. I wasn't able to go on other vacations or see other parts of the world because every dollar was going towards tickets, costumes, hotels and flights. It can also get a little out of control. I was sick of being hungover after every event/show/festival, and sometimes for multiple days. And were some of these friends, really my friends? Do we value the same things? I began to question everything. And it SUCKED. I had just settled into this scene and felt kind of at home. Alas, I knew it was time to implement some personal boundaries, which was not exactly well-received by some people. Or so I've heard.

Fast forward to June, where I had one last "hurrah" with all of my really good friends (#TheWeekenders) at Ever After Music Festival. I allowed myself this one because I had bought the ticket back in January, and for my group of friends and I, this festival is a tradition. I'm so glad I went, because I was able to end a fairly consecutive, two-year show & festival run on a high note. I felt at peace taking a step back after this one. I opened up a savings account, and swore that I would work hard this summer.

And I have. I've been so busy with work in my industry, and I haven't set foot in a restaurant in two months. I've been approaching the work from a much healthier place, too. I don't go out on nights before a shoot, which has been almost all of my nights this summer, not even for one single drink (my social life has suffered from this, but it's cool). I go to bed at good times. I make my bed every morning. I haven't been to the gym as consistently as I would like to this summer due to the extra long days I've been working, but there is a decent amount of heavy lifting and hustling involved in my day-to-day work, so I don't feel at a complete loss. And once the fall and winter come around (a.k.a once the TV show I am on wraps), I'll be back at it with a vengeance and I'm looking forward to it.

Funny enough, after swearing I would work hard and say yes to every opportunity, more opportunities have somehow come my way. I worked on my first commercial this summer. I'm currently neck-deep working hard on my first TV show, and my position is extra needed on this smaller crew, as I wear multiple hats. I have way more responsibilities than a typical Production Assistant, and I'm LOVING it. On top of all of this, I still work for the people and company that got me started in this industry, all of whom I love so, so much, and feel like family. And even they have noticed how much I am growing in such a short amount of time.

So for now, I can continue to live that freelance lifestyle that I love so much; not knowing what's coming next. I have ideas of my own that I want to write. I have a couple of meetings slated for early October for discussing potential opportunities. I somehow keep managing to find sublets to live in every month! Even though I do end up coming home a lot to see my dog, or just to relax.

Needless to say, I think my life is going in an exciting direction right now. Things that used to matter to me that aren't really important... Don't matter to me anymore. I rarely shop for new clothes anymore, and if I do it's either for workout clothes, or clothes from a thrift shop. I didn't even buy a new dress for my brother's wedding. I just recycled an old one. I rarely wear makeup, or do my hair (so freeing). I stopped getting eyelash extensions. I stopped getting my nails done every three weeks. I've finally picked up my ukulele again for the first time in a couple of years. I don't drink a lot anymore or go out as much as I used to. I feel like I am moulting. I'm just shedding those old feathers, and becoming someone that I like.

And you would think, after reading this, that your friends would be happy for or supportive of you. Well, regardless, I sure am happy and proud of myself. And I want to keep going. And I know that I will. I don't have to be what anyone else thinks I am, or whatever shit they talk. And it's a good thing I'm not. I am continuing to define and redefine myself and I'm loving every minute of it. I am slowly conquering the dark side of my dreams, and I will get there someday.

Some of the people who used to be important people in my life aren't really supportive of this personal shift that I feel. They haven't explicitly stated it (to me, at least), but I feel it. I started speaking up for myself and was dismissed and made to feel crazy. I've obviously heard about some potential petty trash talk, and I'm not entirely surprised, nor do I care. If I run into any of these people, I'm still as nice as I would be if I was unaware. I'm not about to ruin a good time, including my own, due to weightless words being thrown around when I'm not present. And to preserve the energy of the group, I'll even buy them a drink. All that matters to me is that I've made up my mind about how much energy I put into these relationships, and I'm sure you can imagine that it's significantly less. I won't bend over backwards for people who do not value the me that I am trying to become. To be frank, I don't need anyone in my life that badly; not anymore. Romantic, platonic, or otherwise. And I'm proud of the fact that I am being true to myself from a place of strength. It's taken years to nurture that kind of self-confidence.

One of my biggest fans was my Great Auntie Diane, who recently passed this July. She would read all of my blog posts and write to me how she felt about them, she financially supported my thesis film in college and said that she understands that amount of effort and financial hardships that comes with the beginnings of artistic careers, and she would consistently elude to me becoming great one day. It's easy to cheer on people who are landing awesome jobs, or getting their PhD's, or who are succeeding in ways that society values. But to be proud of a sheepish, struggling artist... that's not as easy sometimes. And my Auntie Diane was so good at it. This is the first blog post that she won't be able to read. Bless her loving soul, and rest in peace, Auntie Diane.

So to the ones who don't really like me, including some of the people who perhaps never have, it's fine. I've finally made peace with the fact that there's nothing I can do. My energy is much better off being used to work on myself and my goals, rather than waste it trying to convince stubborn people that I'm worthy of their love. The ones that do believe in me make me feel that, and I love them and thank them for their support. And I guess I am not always the best at keeping in touch and expressing that often enough, for that I am truly sorry. Love you guys.

And a loneliness due to actively seeking better is not all that bad. I'd rather be hated on for who I am than be liked as a dust bunny. I refuse to be a thin, wispy collection of characteristics that are convenient for everyone but myself. Living in fear is just not something that I value anymore. You don't scare me. Being alone doesn't scare. Failure doesn't scare me. Telling people to go fuck themselves doesn't scare me. Putting in 10,000 hours to the not-so-glamorous parts of my career doesn't scare me.

I am here, I am now, and I am ready to take up some god damn space in this world, both personally and professionally.

Being alone in my cocoon is better than living my life asleep in the arms of control, abuse, or indifference. I will be significant.

And now to wrap this whole thing up with a quote from one of my favourite movies:

"You look awful, and it's great. You're living your life."

-Anita Miller, Almost Famous