28 & 27° of Sagittarius

This is my first blog post as a 28 year old. And the latter half of my twenties are continuing to be fucking weird. And I mean that in the best way possible.

Lots of intense things happening, either to me, or around me, as well as accompanying or unrelated intense thoughts, feelings, vibrations and realizations... One time I had an edible while relaxing in Trinity Bellwoods park by myself, laying on my back, looking up at the trees... And I swear that, for a moment, I understood the entire universe. On multiple planes. I could "see" so many vibrations... And then instantly forgot it all. But I still knew that I once knew it, and then forgot it. I felt and understood the void. WEIRD. Ha ha.

I also did a lot of writing, people-watching... and it felt nice. I've developed a healthy relationship with the plant over the last year. I've finally reached a point where it doesn't make me paranoid or give me anxiety, which it used to, so I avoided it for many years. Literally did not like it at all until last year. But now it allows me to really enjoy my time spent alone, and I spend a lot of time alone, apparently. Friends aren't the same when you're an adult. All of this is super convenient, because now it's legal in Canada and I don't have to feel weird about it. I can let all the other weird shit in my life make me feel weird instead.

I keep using the word "weird" because I feel like it is accurate, honest, and inclusive of many associations. Weird can be good, and it can be bad. It can be endearing, and yet... Awkward. It can be superficial, or inexplicable. Incomprehensible. Mystifying.

Speaking of honesty, which my writing usually tends to be, and I've been told by one or two people that it's honest to a fault (I'm "too honest" about my struggles, apparently)... Well, here comes more heartfelt fucking honesty. Can't help it.

Recently, I've felt the most connected to myself, and maybe the most lonely I've ever felt... In my life. Simultaneously. Both of those things.

I've also never been so close to feeling so damn sure of myself and what I need to do, and yet the most confused and insecure. All of those things. Simultaneously.

Nonetheless, when I think about where I am in my life overall right now, teenage me would probably be glowing right now. I'm 28, and I'm about as free as it gets. I don't belong to anyone. I don't have to check in with anyone when I make a major decision, or care how it makes them feel. I don't have a signed lease anywhere because I've managed to live off of short term verbal contracts, amazingly. I can go home if I want to, because my parents are back home from their ventures up north, or I could leave to anywhere I want at the end of the month, if I feel like it (although being far away from Kelsey for too long would break my heart a little; my lovable little husky mutt <3). And I understand that this sort of life doesn't exactly provide me with a stacked "portfolio" or whatever... But I digress; FREEDOM. And I'm finding more and more that there's a certain kind of freedom doesn't look good on paper. And I'm starting to care less and less.

This freedom has allowed me to connect with myself and get to know myself in a way that I had maybe never imagined. I've had some pretty amiable moments with myself that have guided me, provided solace, or spoken to my spirit. A pretty "hippie-dippie" damn thing to say, but I stand by it. At 28 years old, I feel like I am FINALLY getting to know myself. Properly. And I'm starting to realize that freedom isn't binge drinking and partying all day on your days off. There's a better kind of freedom out there, and I want to pursue it.

I've made some decent changes in my life recently, such as going to the gym regularly, limiting my social life on work nights, and I am doing my best to avoid people and scenarios that seem negative, dramatic, or uninteresting. I'm a lot better at genuinely laughing at my own misfortunes, and that has made more space for an "inner peace" sort of vibe that makes each day a little easier. That being said, I definitely don't deny myself my feelings. If I get hurt or feel lost or defeated, I still cry about it, ha ha. And if it hurts enough, I let people know. However, usually, I know what I need and I handle it.

Even though I have made some changes for the better, I still feel an underlying need, desire, or compulsion to change how I govern myself. I want to be able to accomplish MORE. In a way that suits me, nurtures me (the real me), and makes me feel happy, confident, and fulfilled. I also want to govern myself in a way that keeps me protected from mental and emotional harm, meaningless interactions and relationships, and perhaps the most nefarious: wasted fucking time. I just feel compelled to be more true to myself. I want to be happy, confident, and fulfilled. And I don't want to feel unwanted or insignificant. I've cared so much about people in my life that I make excuses for them. Or add significance where there isn't any. And I don't think I have the energy to do that anymore. Well, I have the energy, but it deserves to be placed in more meaningful scenarios.

I'm tired of fucking daydreaming, man. I could not tell you why "now" more than ever, but I feel compelled to act. And I sense a whole lot of loneliness in my near future in order to be able to do this.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: I've been through a lot of interesting learning experiences in the latter half of my twenties. There's been pain, therapy, running, near-drowning, experimentation, desperation, determination and escape... and like I said, some really great, spiritually connected moments. I think I'm repeating this because I feel like sometimes my hardships are forgotten about. Simply because I'm naturally a happy and energetic human. I may even seem over the top sometimes. But when I act like I have endless amounts of energy, it gives me endless amounts of energy. I'm able to get through a 14 hour day with no break and STILL be happy, and not lash out at people. And I'm proud of that.

I may wear down sometimes, or break, but just like how your muscles grow from being torn and rebuilding themselves... I think that can be said for work ethic as well. It's a muscle. Maybe life experience is a muscle too.

Generally speaking, I want to see more of the world, starting with my own home country. I'm almost 30 and I've never seen a mountain, or the nature that the westerly provinces have to offer. I want to bring my dog too, because she deserves it and is a great companion. The thought of filling her comparably short life with some pretty amazing hikes just fills my heart so much. She'd love it.

I want to be treated with respect. I want to be more respectful of others. I want to be more respectful of the planet. And I want to honour the shit out of myself. I want to become so confident and in-tune with myself that I stop letting things slide. I want to crack down a little more on what I will and will not tolerate. And this is playing a factor in my current and future forecast of loneliness, but I'm trying to see it as a preservation of my personal growth. I want to create a life that I love. I want to create things in the life that I love. And at some point, maybe fall in love. But that's going to come after the loneliness, I think. Right now I need to pursue other desires and essentials more genuinely, and without distraction. Most of all, I want to find where I fit. Where I belong. I want to do things that make me feel happy and fulfilled. I want that.

And I'm tired of daydreaming, man. I'm tired of daydreaming.