Coffee, Squirrels, and Unnecessary Umbrellas

I didn't show up to work today. I couldn't do it. And I don't know why.

I did everything right this morning. I woke up on time. I had a shower. I made myself some oatmeal. I blow-dried my hair to make it look nice. I put on make-up. I went to the bank to prepare my float for work, got on the subway, and then the streetcar. I was literally ONE block away from work... And I just couldn't do it. I got off. I got off the streetcar, and started walking. Not to anywhere in particular... more so just to catch my breath. The thought of going into a job (a relatively new job) that I haven't really had good experiences with thus far—made my insides spread out and reach for anything they could cling to. Like an animal that didn't want to go to the vet, so she spreads out all fours and clings to the door frame. My eyes welled up. I got off the streetcar, and started walking.

Then came the waves of existential anxiety. Here I am, wandering the streets of Toronto, wearing the uniform for the job that I didn't show up to, just thinking... I have no idea what I'm doing. And I don't mean just right now in this moment... I mean like, at all. In life. Ever. Not a fucking clue. All I know is that my body did NOT want to go in that fucking restaurant today.

Another wave. Why am I here. Is this where I'm supposed to be? What am I meant for? Is this some sort of sign or energy from the universe that is telling me I ought to be doing something else? That a better opportunity is coming my way? Or am I, just straight up and down, fucking everything up because I'm emotional, and incompetent...? Should I be taking some time out to "work on myself"? Is Mercury in fucking retrograde or whatever? What is wrong with me???

I should probably schedule another session with my therapist. Fuck.

I've been waitressing for almost ten years. Restaurants don't scare me, and neither do people. And I'm generally a bubbly, confident person. So why the heck am I having mood-killing, tear-jerking, mind-crippling anxiety right now? I know that my own instincts are trying to tell me something... And I'm trying to listen. But I feel so at war with myself. I hope this all makes sense later.

The only thing I've done today since not showing up to work is go for not one, but two coffees. So maybe the caffeine isn't helping.

I went to the park for more oxygen, but it just looks different today for some reason. I sat at a picnic table, and started to watch the squirrels. How long do squirrels generally live for? Are they happy? Is it awesome to just climb trees and not have a job (or two, or three)? What's better: a shorter life that is somewhat simple, and free of dread, or a longer life with the gift (or curse) or unrelenting awareness? What if squirrels do feel dread? Now I just feel bad. When is the next fucking music festival or show that I'm going to? I never feel shitty at those things. Do my friends even like me? I miss my dog.

I brought an umbrella with me downtown because I thought it was going to rain, but it's actually sunny and partly cloudy, and I probably look stupid. I wore a rain jacket too. I must look like an idiot, lol.

Normally, I would listen to music to soothe or suppress my spiralling thoughts, but my friend's cat ate my headphones the other day. I got those headphones at the Chicago airport before my connecting flight to Las Vegas, back in May. I really liked those. Damn.

Honestly, I'm more excited to work for free tomorrow at my internship at The Second City, than I was to work a paid job today. Am I too old to be working for free? Does that make me look stupid? Not that I really super care what I "look" like, but I'm just curious. Whatever. As long as my organs aren't trying to strangle one another the second I am near the building, I'm Gucci. I wish I brought my bicycle downtown today. Sigh.

In my backpack, I just so happened to have two books: one for reading, and one for writing. I figured that writing generally makes me feel good, so here I am. Getting out of my head (kind of), and getting it out on paper. Here you have it folks. An unadulterated glimpse of how my mind works; pretty much every day. My thoughts just feel so heavy sometimes. If not heavy in content, then just heavy in volume. Too many a minute.

Does this happen to anyone else?

I don't know why I'm being like this. I don't know if this is some sort of subconscious pity party, or a speed bump, or whatever. I have done so well for myself in the past six months. I picked up my own god damn pieces and made myself whole again. I recognized myself. Heck, I even really liked myself. I confronted some pretty shitty circumstances with vigour. I was so busy this summer and I LOVED it. It made me so happy. Then I sort of... lost it all. Everything I "built", I suppose.

I got priced out of the really awesome place I was living in that allowed me to do so much growing. That place taught me that your environment is super, super key in your mood and mental well-being. And those things are both really important when it comes to your unintentional thoughts & habits, your drive, and how hard you push yourself. You really do have to be careful of what, and who, you surround yourself with. Well, for me, at least. Environment is key.

My decent Harbourfront waitressing gig started slowing down with the end of the summer. And I thought I was getting ahead of the game by replacing it with another job, but then I ended up fucking hating said job, and didn't show up to what probably would have been my last day of training.

The amount of PA gigs that were winding up on my plate have suddenly lessened, it seems. I know that I could put myself out there more to combat this, but for some reason, the second I lose any momentum... I turn on myself. I become a useless little pile of self-pity and self-loathing. And I'm not even intentionally manifesting that. I feel like this depressed little anxious bout is my subconscious taking over for a minute. And I don't know why. I don't like it. And I don't know if I should maybe use this time to take a step back, maybe pursue some creative endeavours to make me feel good, or if I should be more practical and put all my energy in to finding a new serving gig for some steady income. Who knows. I don't. Lol.

Maybe this is all just a bit of post-summer blues.

Summer was right. I miss her. I miss her, and everything that came with her.