Petals made from the Fire of the Sun itself

I'm having the best day today. Laid back, relaxed, refusing to leave the condo today. Refusing to wear real clothes today, too.

Today is for coffee and dresses made out of bed sheets.

I've also made a little bed on my balcony; I brought out every pillow and blanket I could find. I grabbed a book, my journal, and I've put on a playlist. The only way I'm getting up from this little balcony bed is if I hear my sushi arrive to my door (just used Uber Eats for the second time ever). I'll probably stay out here until nightfall. Watch the lights change on the CN Tower.

I love having "me" days. I'm perfectly content in my own company. And maybe more so recently because I've come so far on my own. Reflecting feels good now. All of my recent memories are pretty good ones.

I used to wonder what was wrong with me. It always felt like no one really wanted me there. My recent memories used to be fights with my sh*tty boyfriend at the time, or of me fucking something up, or being late, or feeling defensive about something.

Back in March, I lived in a disgusting house with some ridiculous roommates (see last blog post here). All in one month, I became violently ill, broke my toe, totalled my car, and became incredibly broke (and I remained incredibly broke until June/July). It was hard, and I honestly didn't know how much more I could take. Have you ever been 27 years old and sobbing in your grandmother's lap? I have.

I told her that I felt like the city was eating me alive. I cried so hard into her shoulder that I made her cry too. My job was giving me one shift a week at work (which is DEFINITELY not enough to make it in Toronto BY ANY MEANS), and they kept promising me that it would get better, and for 3 months... It never did. And after feeling helpless for so long, it was time I woke myself up.

Now I'm working hard. I have 4 jobs. I'm trying my absolute best. For now, I live in a really sweet condo beside the CN Tower, which was my ultimate childhood dream. I used to see the CN Tower and think, "Wow, I hope I live near that thing some day". It used to represent something pretty far off. But now: I'm here. Unfortunately, I have to be out of this place by the end of September, so I have no idea what's going to happen next. I'm kind of scared, to be honest. But for just tonight, I'm trying not to worry. The sun has just set, and I'm lounging on my make-shift bed on the balcony, listening to Dead Sea by The Lumineers. My self-made, inner city oasis.

Right now, in this moment, I'm trying to focus on feeling grateful for, and proud of, these last couple of months. Because I've really hauled ass. And every time I look at the CN Tower, it no longer represents a dream. It represents strength, determination, and growth. It represents how I have actually, somehow, began to make it on my own. I feel like I'm finally finding the right ingredients in my life for becoming self-made. Happily and healthily, both personally and in relationships with others. Although, I will take a moment to express how I do not take for granted the strength and fire of my mother, which has somehow found its way in me, as well as the softness and forgiveness of my father. I would 100% be homeless on the streets without their various kinds of love. That goes for my grandparents as well, and I'm so, so lucky that they're still around.

On top of working four jobs and hauling ass, I've also not been shy about being in charge of my time and my worth. I had a really great conversation with someone recently about "haters" and people who give you a hard time, either explicitly or in some sort of backwards, secretly condescending kind of way. The people who root against you for whatever messed up reason(s) they have. I often have a desire to call these people out, or put them in their place; to argue how they are wrong, and just how wrong they are. Anyway, this person brought up a really good point.

He said that we only have a limited amount of energy per day. Yeah, I know, some of you are rolling your eyes right now thinking, "Yeah, that's not rocket appliances, Katie". But I don't mean a limited amount until we are physically tired. I mean a limited amount of energy per day to put out there; to put into things. And it makes sense. Time is also a "limited" aspect of our day. There's only 24 hours to "use". So in regards to your energy, use your energy for thoughts, things, and people that better you, accept you for you, and make you happy. No sense using it to be angry, to try and shake a finger in someone's face who is too stubborn, ignorant, or too "limited" within themselves to listen.

I think that is part of the reason why I have been able to excel here in the city, or at least stabilize myself, to some extent. I removed myself from a very negative situation/environment, twice. I used to use all my energy constantly looking over my shoulder, complaining about how unfairly I was being treated, crying, being angry, plotting potential petty revenge because I thought it might feel good, or might show them.

But you can't always change what people see. There have been people in my life that have only ever seen me as a weed. They told me I was a weed. They told other people I was a weed, too. It didn't matter how many times I told them that I'm a sunflower. I could yell in their faces all day long that I'm a god damn sunflower and my petals are made from the fire of the sun itself. It didn't matter.

All that really mattered was that I used my energy believing that, and now... I do. Being on my own has given me the opportunity to put my energy towards proving that to myself, instead of constantly living on the defensive, or living in fear, or accepting other peoples' opinions as truth. It's true what they say: if you don't like something, change it. CHANGE IT. Even if it means jumping overboard and suffering for a while. The reward will feel so much better once you get there.

You will reach your self-made paradise island, whether that island is a physical one, or more along the lines of something that is mental or emotional.

No matter what, you will bask in its warm sun. I promise.

I used to be scared of not making rent. I used to be scared of not knowing what the heck I'm doing with my life. I used to be scared of being the disappointment in my family. At one point, I had accepted myself as just that. But now I have four jobs. Two at two different restaurants, as well as contract work in film and media production, and contract work as a brand ambassador. And you know what? My film and media gigs used to be few and far between. I didn't consider myself fully working in that industry. I used to be pretty hard on myself. But now? I'm giving away my waitressing shifts and booking time off from both restaurants to work as a Production Assistant on media production gigs. Which is what I've wanted to do for a long time. I still don't fully know what I want in the industry, but I am getting my foot in the door, even if ever so slightly. It's a start. I'm here. I've made it. For the first time ever, I don't really see a point in moving back home.

Use your fear to fuel you, instead of letting it cripple you. Also, never stop allowing yourself to have fun. Just because you may be in a rough patch doesn't mean that you shouldn't allow yourself to have fun. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself a little something to look forward to. Until next time, here's a big cheesy smile that represents how I feel about life right now.